What you're seeking for is where you're seeking from.
If you killed your ego, your desire would cease to be, and therefore you would dissolve completely. Try it. We have a word for this: it’s called ‘unconsciousness’, or ‘sleep’.
The goal is not unconsciousness in dissolution, just as the goal is not unconsciousness in the ignorance of the ego. These two paths lead us to the same state, and we are no better off than before. One may believe that just because one is not reacting outwardly, one is in a state of equanimity, of ‘no ego’, but this is a deception. Our internal state is deeper–as is known in psychology–than what we are aware of on the surface, and furthermore, apathy is a type of reaction in and of itself. So both repression and indulgence lead us nowhere, and the latter is suffering. So, what to do?
If you realize that the ego is not the real you, just an imagined self that has its uses, then you as the observer learn how to develop a working partnership with it.
You only want to kill the ego because it is driving your life, and causing you suffering. You don’t see the ego as a friend, a partner, or a lover, but as an overlord and an oppressor. But this is good, because you indeed recognize the truth of things, that right now, ego is running your life and making you miserable.
The ego only knows how to look at the past and the future, and make calculations based on some perceived reward or imagined pleasure. This is its job. You are so much more than this, and you know it to be true.
If this were not the case, being ‘stuck’ in your ego would not be painful, and you would never want to be rid of it; where would there be a problem?
The suffering comes when we are fully involved in these imaginings and calculations that have no bearing on reality, rather than being fully involved in life itself. It’s only a problem because you are suffering.
You want to get ‘past’ ego? You can’t, because ego is all past and all future. But the great thing is, that neither of these things exist. Past does not exist; it’s just a flavor of something that’s gone by and never returning, like the wake from a passing ship.
The future also does not exist; if it did, you could point to it and describe to me what’s happening in the future. None of these things exist. There is only here, and now. Please see this.
To the degree that you can embed yourself into this moment, right here and now, is the degree to which the ego loses its hold and dominion over you, the ideas of ‘you’ dissolve, and you enter into a bigger and greater thing than your limited ideas and beliefs about yourself.
This is a release from the bondage of the ego, and an ecstatic joy and bliss that we would profane by using words to describe it. It must be experienced and tasted in order for you to consider yourself truly alive.
Until then, we’re just going through the motions in life, our free will subverted by this and that influence that we’re too weak to overcome. We need strength and focus, it takes efforts to liberate ourselves from the oppressive nature of our over-active egos.
Only two things matter with respect to how well you can embed into the moment: your will–your focused awareness–and your intention–your heart’s drive. Master these tools, and you will master yourself and therefore the whole of reality will bend to you.